


The Mayonnaise Incident

by antlungs



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Based on a Real Event, Gen, Humour, basically the losers are in drama club and richie really likes mayonnaise, do i tag this as crack, i dont want to do that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22030861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antlungs/pseuds/antlungs
Summary: It all starts with the bag of condiments.Ben had brought it in, a giant Ziploc bag full of little packets of mayonnaise (interrupted by the occasional mustard), intended to be used with the food for the drama club. The issue with this is that nobody had remembered to warn Ben that Richie had a particular taste for mayonnaise that he sometimes took a little too far.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon/Stanley Uris
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	The Mayonnaise Incident

**Author's Note:**

> so, a little background: this is based almost ENTIRELY on a real thing that happened like a year ago. obviously it wasn't the losers, it was real people, but beyond that (and a little added dialogue) it's pretty much just. a story about how weird my friends are lol
> 
> also this isn't a bill/richie fic despite what. certain events may lead u to believe. i kid u not when i tell u every major aspect of this fic actually happened
> 
> (also also just fyi the ships are only really implied but trust me i had them in mind when i wrote this)

It all starts with the bag of condiments.

Ben had brought it in, a giant Ziploc bag full of little packets of mayonnaise (interrupted by the occasional mustard), intended to be used with the food for the drama club. The issue with this is that nobody had remembered to warn Ben that Richie had a particular taste for mayonnaise that he sometimes took a little too far. This means that, practically as soon as Ben is through the door, Richie immediately pounces on him like a rabid animal, wrenches the bag from Ben's grasp, wedges himself into the corner in front of the door, and gives anyone who comes too close a wild-eyed stare that makes him look deranged.

“Richie, admitting that you have a problem is the first step toward recovery,” Beverly says gently.

Richie shakes his head, turning his shifty-eyed glance on her. “Problem? I don’t have a problem. I can quit whenever I want.” He strokes the bag of mayonnaise, holding it close to his chest. Beverly takes a step forward and he jerks back, slamming into the door. “No. NO! I won’t let you take my mayonnaise! It's mine! I need it! None of you will love it like I do!”

“Do you see worms under your skin?” Beverly asks knowingly.

Richie shakes his head again, eyes fixed on Beverly's face. “No, no worms. Just mayonnaise.”

After he says this, his lips twitch, like he's barely managing to keep a straight face. Eddie rolls his eyes and starts toward Richie, likely intending to take the mayonnaise away from him. Richie's eyes go wide as soon as he perceives the movement, and he dashes off toward the men's dressing room, slamming the door closed behind him. After a moment, the 'IN USE' sign flicks on, almost like an afterthought.

Bill enters from the theatre seconds later, and he immediately goes for the food table.

"Oh, hell y-yuh-yeah, sandwiches," he murmurs. He pauses, brow furrowed, and to the room at large he says, "What, no m-m-muh… mayo?"

Eddie, Beverly, and Ben share a glance.

"...Richie took it all," Bev says finally.

Eddie adds, "He's in the dressing room."

Bill blinks at them. Then, he sighs. "Dammit, R-Richie," he says, starting toward the dressing room slowly and beginning to remove his belt. Once he has his belt off, he enters the dressing room without knocking, closing the door behind him.

There's a brief silence that lingers ominously throughout the room. Beverly, Ben, and Eddie trade concerned looks.

Then, the silence is broken by a sharp crack of leather — likely Bill's belt — followed shortly by a shrill scream that can only belong to Richie.

"Oh, jeez," Ben utters, sounding horrified and genuinely worried. "You don't think Bill actually hurt Richie, do you?"

"Of course not, he can't be that serious about the mayonnaise thing," Beverly replies, though she doesn't seem too sure of it herself.

"Maybe someone better go check on them, anyway," Ben says anxiously, wringing his hands. "Y'know. Just in case."

Both Ben and Beverly's eyes fall on Eddie, who is simply standing there, minding his own business, and not asking to get involved in any sort of shenanigans.

"What?" Eddie says, completely clueless. When the other two continue to look at him, he says it again, sharper. " _What_?"

Beverly nods her head in the direction of the men's dressing room. "Go check on Richie and Bill and make sure they aren't killing each other."

"Why do _I_ have to do it?"

Beverly sighs. "Because I can't go in the men's dressing room and Ben is too delicate to get involved in whatever's going on in there?"

Eddie tries, very valiantly, to hold his ground. He nearly manages, too, but then the crack-scream fills the room again and his resolve crumbles under his own worry.

 _I swear to god if Richie is perfectly fine when I get in there I'll kill him_ _myself,_ Eddie thinks fiercely.

"Fine," he huffs, telling himself he doesn't care that Beverly smiles gratefully at him and Ben seems relieved. "But only because I know if those two idiots actually _do_ kill each other, someway or another we'll all get in trouble for it."

Eddie walks calmly (read: stomps) over to the dressing room door and knocks firmly (read: pounds his fist against the door). Four voices answer in almost perfect unison, inviting him to come in, and he does so without any fanfare.

In the dressing room are Richie and Bill, who Eddie had completely expected to be there, and to whom two of the voices had belonged. Surprisingly, Mike and Stan are also in the dressing room, Mike looking a little amused (but mostly bewildered) about what's going on and Stan looking like he's getting ready to give himself a hernia from rolling his eyes too hard. Eddie notes that Stan's face is flushed, and his shirt isn't tucked in as neatly as it usually is, but he quickly disregards these observations in light of the fact that he doesn't really want to know.

Mike waves when he sees Eddie, and Stan gives him a little nod. Richie and Bill ignore Eddie completely.

"W-Wuh-Where is it, R-Richie?" Bill brandishes his belt threateningly, and Richie cowers.

"Bill, I told you, I don't have it," Richie says, a wide, nervous smile on his face. He adjusts his glasses as Bill brings the belt up so that it's level with his face. "I don't know where it is, Bill, I swear, I—"

Bill takes both ends of the belt (which is folded over) and pushes them inward, causing loops to form in both layers of leather.

"You're luh-lying," Bill says, advancing on Richie slowly. "I don't like it w-w-wuh-when you lie to me, R-Richie."

Richie shakes his head furiously. "I'm not lying, Bill, I promise, you know I would never lie to you!" He backs up as Bill continues to approach, his retreat leading him toward the counter. He looks over his shoulder and seems to realise this, and then he looks back around and his pleading begins anew.

"Bill, please don't do this. You don't have to do this. The mayonnaise isn't here, Bill! I don't have it, I swear, Bill, _please_ listen—"

Mike, who up until this point had been watching with an expression of complete befuddlement, shakes his head and says, "Bill, c'mon, man, he says he doesn't have it."

Stan chimes in with, "Please don't kill Richie while we're in here with you."

Bill ignores him. He pulls the two ends of the belt apart again, hard, and a loud _snap_ fills the air.

"Where is the m-mayonnaise, Richie?" Richie shakes his head, eyes wide, and Bill snaps the belt at him again, continuing to advance. "WHERE IS THE MAYONNAISE, RUH-R-RICHIE?"

Richie's back hits the counter, and a look of complete and utter terror passes over his face. Bill doesn't stop coming; he simply crowds into Richie's space, forcing Richie to lean back.

Then, panic clear in his tone, Richie yells, "Bill _stop_ you're gonna make me crush the mayonnaise!"

There's a pause. Dead silence fills the room. Richie's face is etched with horror at the realisation of what he's said, as well as faint tones of resignation.

"I kn-knew it," Bill says lowly. "I fuh-ucking _knew_ you h-had it in here."

Richie begins trying to reason with Bill again, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. Bill shoves him aside — he falls to the floor dramatically — and begins rooting around under the clothes that are piled on the counter, eventually coming upon the bag of mayonnaise.

As Bill reaches for the mayonnaise, Richie grabs onto his arm. He also wraps his legs around one of Bill's legs, attaching himself firmly so that even when Bill lifts his leg and shakes it, Richie remains stuck to him, clinging like a limpet.

"G-Get off of me, Richie," Bill says flatly.

"No!" Richie uses his grip on Bill's arm to pull himself up higher. "Oh shit wait, hold on…" He does it again, climbing up Bill's leg about an inch.

"This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever seen Richie do," Stan says. "And I once watched him eat five entire boxes of cereal in a row trying to get the prize he wanted."

"Did he get it?" Mike asks.

"No, but he did throw up so hard puke came out of his nose."

Eddie makes a disgusted sound, almost unconsciously, as he watches Richie continue to climb Bill. Bill, to his credit, was remaining completely still, watching Richie with a sort of detached curiosity. Eventually, Richie runs out of leg to shimmy up, and he pauses, hanging from Bill's shoulder like a sloth.

Then he starts to hump Bill's hip with reckless abandon.

It takes a moment for Bill to process what’s going on, but when he realises what’s happening, he yelps, his face twisted in surprise and repulsion, and throws Richie off of him. Richie hits the wall hard and drops to the ground like a tonne of bricks. Eddie makes a soft, concerned noise in the back of his throat.

"What th-the FUCK!" Bill shouts. " _No_! What the f-fuck!"

Richie cackles delightedly, rolling around on the floor.

" _Whuh-what the fuck_ ," Bill repeats with feeling, as he turns and hurries for the dressing room door, nearly shoving Eddie out of the way. He throws it open and storms out without closing it, and the others can hear him say, "I d-duh-d-did NOT n-need that, that is the l-luh- _last_ thing I needed right n-now."

Stan steps over Richie, who is still on the floor but no longer laughing hard enough to be considered a cause for concern, and shuts the door. Eddie immediately goes to kneel by Richie’s side.

“How are you feeling, Rich?” He asks softly, only able to think of how hard Richie had hit the wall and the way he had dropped to the floor after.

"I feel accomplished," Richie replies almost immediately, and any concern Eddie had been feeling evaporates. "I have scaled the beast and humped his leg. I feel like I can do anything."

Stan rolls his eyes while Mike coughs politely to cover up his laughter. (Later, Stan will have to reprimand Mike for making Richie think that he's funny.)

The dressing room door opens and Bill enters again. He points at Richie and says, "N-Nuh-Never do that sh-shit again. What the fuck."

Richie stares up at him from the floor, and replies in a stony voice, "Don't mess with my mayo, b-buh-bitch."

Eddie sighs through his nose and scoots back out of the danger zone.

Bill stares at Richie for a moment, expressionless, before dropping to the ground and jabbing one of his elbows into Richie’s stomach.

**Author's Note:**

> i lowkey wrote this (and another fic that i may or may not post) as a way to get back in the writing mood so i can continue working on Saturday Night, so for anybody that may be concerned for the fate of that fic: don't be. i haven't abandoned it or forgotten about it or lost interest, i will be finishing it.
> 
> anyway here are some fun facts that aren't strictly needed to enjoy this fic:  
> \- the belt-snapping-followed by screaming thing was a running gag between Richie and Bill's real-life counterparts (it actually got to the point that our director tried to talk to them about it, because she thought they were actually hitting each other)  
> \- the 'worms under your skin' thing is a drug-related inside joke of sorts  
> \- one of my friends, who was there for the portion of the real Mayonnaise Incident that took place outside the dressing room, and i could not remember who actually brought the mayonnaise bag, so we messaged a group chat and found out that the real-life counterpart of Richie still has the bag. like, as i am typing this, he still has it sitting in his room. its been a year  
> \- the line Richie says after Bill leaves the dressing room is a direct quote  
> \- Stan and Mike were 100% making out in the dressing room before Richie came in


End file.
